Summer of Writers Block
This summer has been filled with feature after feature, research, and the metal gymnastics that has caused a brain fog so hard, sometimes I don’t even know what day it is. Bringing myself back to my writing has been a feat and one that has caused me most evenings to stare at the TV in “veg out” mode. I try not to beat myself up when these feelings set in, but there’s that ever present first world issue of productivity. And if we’re not consumed with “meaningful” tasks every moment of every day you feel as though you’re not contributing in some way to the fabric of society. In today’s world, of social media, the feeling seems to feel ten-fold when the idea of staying “relevant” looms in the distance. You might be asking yourself “What does she have to complain about?”, and you’re right. I work in a field I adore, and my work is ever flowing, but for an over achiever I never quiet feel like I am doing enough (things I need to unpack another time and not here).
I will confess, this summer I did not once get to the movies to see a new release. I caught a few on streaming, but when my brain is being pulled into multiple directions, I find myself slipping more and more into comfort watches. I’ve read this is a symptom of anxiety where you allow yourself to be comforted by an already known outcome. All that to say I feel in a state of writing limbo. There have been several topics I’ve thought to discuss, even so far as taking them to twitter in the hopes that if I wrote it down for other eyes to see I would be more likely to follow through. Clearly that didn’t work as I am here now writing about my summer of writer’s block. I feel that even just this essay is a way to ease myself back in. One thing that hasn’t stopped is my critical analysis of costuming, I was just using those muscles in other ways.
Earlier in the summer I did a lecture on the Costumes in Buffy the Vampire Series for a festival called Slayage 9. A Buffy scholars weekend filled with panels and discussions by and for Buffy scholars. I was honored to be the keynote speaker for their Saturday programing, and I was blown away by the level of scholarship and knowledge that surrounds the “Chosen One”. The Q&A portion of my lecture became an incredible discussion and deep dive. These people who knew all there was to know, became privy to a new lens with which to look at their favorite series. They also taught me a ton and for that I am ever grateful. Faces lit up with delight over zoom and I saw the gears turning as they broke down the symbolism to some of their favorite looks from the series, even crossing the bridges into the other WB shows of the era, Angel, Veronica Mars, etc. I truly enjoy teaching and it is these moments that make the fulfilment. It also excites me that people who see the clothing can start to recognize it from a different lens, furthering the work of what my design kin do and bringing that recognition forward.
In the non-horror world, I was blown away by the summer Netflix release of the movie The Gray Man. An action/spy thriller staring two of my favorite hunky boys, Chris Evans, and Ryan Gosling. I’ve always been a murder mystery gal and this film really checked off all the boxes for me. What I was not expecting was the bolt of inspiration into my own work the costume designs, done by Judianna Makovsky, have inspired. She took seemingly non-descriptive pieces of clothing and created a mood within each character that for me carried the film in a way I haven’t been as struck by since Midsommar. I am still thinking about these ankle length chinos and tight mod style polo sweaters that Chris Evans was wearing. So much so that I paid my homage to her designs in the last feature I did titled Cannibal Mukbang.
The rest of my summer was filled with shopping and prep for the features I did, one that I am currently on as I write from my Airbnb in rural PA. I actually had time to go to the beach, which never happens, and I spent my evenings at home with George, helping craft the stories that he wants to tell. Keep your eyes peeled for the chaos that will ensue. All in all, I learned a lot about myself and my career this summer that I didn’t think I would. Moral of the story I just have to be more patient and not beat myself up. Unless I have deadlines for other people, I need to let the creative process be what it is and meet it when it ebbs and flows. Somewhere along the way my ego took over and the “likes” started to tally in my mind. I started this to share my love of costume design and to teach others about the process. I have to make sure I hold myself to that no matter what the algorithm says, because that is authentically who I am. I am not an influencer, pressed to make content, I am a designer and artist. My life is not defined by what others tell me I am worth; it is the value I know that I have and when I feel good about the work I am producing.
